Postpartum
by FlickerInTheDark
Summary: Cosette is struggling to connect with her daughter and Valjean imparts some advice.


**A/N: In this AU Valjean hasn't left Marius and Cosette. In this fic, Cosette is suffering from what we might today call Post-Partum Depression. This story is in honor of Mental Health Awareness month in May (yes I know I am late but shhhhh!) Enjoy!**

It was after dinner in Pontemercy household. Marius had retired for the evening to go to bed early. He had been so good about staying up with little Marie last night. She had been rather fussy and spent a good deal of time crying. Marie was six months old, but she already had a robust set of lungs.

"Grandfather loved to shout about my father to his Royalist buddies. I could hear them from all the way in the kitchen. Also, I have a cousin who is an opera singer whom grandfather also shouted about, so I suspect Marie has unfortunately been gifted with lungs from my side," Marius had mused as he had gotten up for the 5th time that night. Cosette had gotten up to nurse Marie earlier in the night, and Marius had insisted that she get some rest. Little did he know Marie would not be sleeping that night.

So Cosette sat rocking Marie alone in the drawing-room that evening. She looked down at her daughter and felt strange. She would never dare tell Marius. Ever since Marie was born, she felt disconnected from her daughter. Marie seemed like someone else's baby that she was just holding for a minute. A deep sadness washed over her; this wasn't what she was meant to feel as a mother.

As she fretted about her feelings, her father came into the room. Her father usually spent his evenings alone or with Marius's grandfather. But he must have known Cosette was on her own for the evening.

"Here," he said, taking Marie. "Let me hold her for a bit; your tea is getting cold."

Cosette let her father take Marie, and she picked up her long cooled cup of tea. In truth, she was glad he had taken her. She felt anxious holding Marie and, if she was honest, did not like holding her. There is was again, those nagging feelings of inadequacy.

"Little Marie looks like you when you were little," Valjean said tickling Marie's stomach. She giggled and let out a little squeal. Cosette only flinched and turned away. Her father could connect better to her daughter than she could. This was not right.

"How can you see it? We did not know each other when I was a baby," Cosette contested.

"True, but she does have those light blue eyes that you had when you were a little girl. Your eyes seemed to have taken on a blue-green hue as you got older. I can already see the wisps of curly blonde hair that you still have now," Valjean said, still looking at the giggling baby and reached up to twirl a piece of the fresh hair.

"And what of Marius? Surely she must have some of Marius's features." She had hoped her disconnection came from not looking like her daughter. But her father only confirmed the similarity that everyone else had already mentioned.

"Oh yes, these little freckles are surely Marius's doing. You never got freckles unless you stayed in the sun too long," Valjean said, looking up. He noticed Cosette despondently looking into the fire.

"Darling? Is something wrong?" Valjean asked.

"No Papa," Cosette said, trying to put on a smile.

Valjean knew Cosette well enough to know something was wrong. But he also knew that pressuring her was not the way to go about obtaining the answer.

"I wish I could have held you when you were a baby. I only got to hold you for a few years before you got too big. You grew up too fast," he said.

"I always felt safe in your arms," Cosette said. She remembered all the scary nights when he held her, and this brought a real smile to her face.

"I am glad. When you first lived with me, I felt so strange having this little child fall asleep in my arms. I felt like I was the wrong person for this to happen to. I did not know how you trusted me or why it felt so right," he said now gently rocking Marie, who was yawning.

"Papa, how do you always feel the way I feel?"

"How so?"

"It's just when I hold Marie I feel that I am holding another woman's baby. I wonder why Marie falls asleep so easily in my arms, that she had trust in me when I do not have trust in myself," Cosette confessed.

Valjean considered what she said and replied, "Cosette, do you think you are a good mother?"

Cosette sat there, slack-jawed. "Papa…I…uh…of course. I mean, no? That is to say…"

"Cosette, what is scaring you?" he asked gently.

That is when Cosette burst into tears. Everything she had been feeling that had been pent up came bursting out. Of course, she couldn't keep anything from her father.

"What if I can't be a good mother?" she asked through tears.

Valjean quickly and carefully placed Marie in the cradle in the corner of the room. He returned and gave her his handkerchief. He was well aware she had her own, but it was out of habit.

"My dear, whatever makes you think that?"

"It's just, I never really had a mother. I wonder if I am broken. What if I am not a good mother because I never grew up with the motherly influence," Cosette said before quickly adding, "But you were mother and father to me, so it shouldn't make a difference. Papa, you were always so good with me, and I blame myself fully for not having those same traits."

"First of all, I will not have you disparaging yourself. I believe I raised you with love and compassion in your heart for others as well as yourself, but you are right. You did not have a mother or any female influence, and for that, I am truly sorry. I can read to you all the books and teach you all the manners but having a mother in your life is something you had to do without. That being said, I do not think that has had any influence on how you are raising Marie," Valjean said firmly patting her hand.

"But why do I feel so wrong holding Marie. I look at her and feel scared. Not just parenting fears like everyone says. I know that your first child is the hardest because you are new to raising a child, but I feel scared like I will lose her. I feel like I will never take care of her properly, and someone is better suited to the task," Cosette confessed with tears still coming from her eyes.

Valjean nodded. He knew she wasn't done.

"And then, forgive me I know this is selfish, but my mother gave me away, and I cannot help but wonder if she was feeling the same things I am feeling, and she actually did the unthinkable. What if I am destined to feel this way?" Cosette said before growing quiet.

Cosette never truly knew the reason her mother had left her at the inn. Very foggy memories told her that her mother had brilliant blonde hair and the softest eyes. As a child, she knew her mother had tears in her eyes when she left her, but now she wasn't so sure. Cosette did not know the wails that her mother let out when she had traveled a far enough distance as not to be heard.

Valjean sucked in a breath. He knew he should have told Cosette more about her mother, and he would. Now was not the time to go into the details, but he would have to figure a way to tell her about her mother.

"Cosette, I want you to listen to me. Your mother did love you. I know I have been cruel to you by not telling you more, but in truth, it pains me. Her dying breath was to ensure your safety. The weeks leading to her passing were filled with questions about you and her telling me all about you. She told me about your curly hair and light blue eyes. She painted such a vivid image of you that to this day, I could see you as a baby. She longed to be with you, and due to other circumstances, I was unable to get her to you in time. That, Cosette, is truly one of my greatest regrets. Cosette, please believe me when I tell you that your mother loved you so very much," Valjean said.

"Papa, I know you would never lie to me, and I do believe you. But even if she loved me, why do I feel so distant from my own child? Marie's cries make me feel like I am a failure even though she is just a baby. I feel like I can never do right by her and I do not want to feel this way," Cosette said. Her tears were drying up, and she felt a bit calmer, knowing her mother did love her.

"You never feel prepared. God looked upon me, struggling to figure out how little girl dresses worked, and he granted me grace. He gave me the strength. If you put your faith in Him and your own instinct, you shall be fine. You are lucky to have a household who also loves Marie, so you know nothing can go wrong. I wish someone was there to tell me how to do your hair or else you would not have had to go into the city with such a rats nest," Valjean joked.

"Oh Papa, you did marvelously," Cosette said and laughed. "I just keep waiting for the spark, that feeling that this is meant to be."

"I did not feel the spark for months. Yes, I cared about you, but the first few months were hard. I had lived my life in a set way and to suddenly have a small person who demanded my care and attention, that was challenging. But it came. If an old man like me could eventually find the spark, as you put it, then I know you will. Just give it some time. If in a few months it doesn't change, then we can talk again. This is a difficult time, and everything is out of sorts. Once Marie starts sleeping better and you and Marius figure out your parenting, it should be smooth sailing. Remember Marius is always here and I know he wanted to be a good father as well. Support each other and God will do the rest," Valjean said.

Cosette considered his words. She had no idea that he felt what she was feeling though it did not surprise her. But perhaps he was right; she was rushing to conclusions. She did have a tough pregnancy, and her moods were quite irregular. Nothing had been easy, and perhaps all of the advice she had received glossed over this final part because it was so terrifying.

Cosette got up and walked over to the cradle. Marie was sound asleep and making quiet, cooing noises. Her father joined her and placed an arm around her.

"Have faith in yourself my child. I think facing these fears and feelings was good. But if you should feel these feelings again, even if it is tomorrow, I am always here to talk and so is Marius," he said and placed a kiss on her forehead. With that, he made his leave for bed.

Cosette pondered his words. She had always dreamed of being a mother, and perhaps she was getting ahead of herself. As a little girl who dreamed of having a big family, and she had been excited when she found out she was pregnant. It was only after Marie was born that these feelings had changed. She knew deep down things would turn out all right, but waiting was hard. She picked Marie up to take her to the bedroom. Marius had proposed to keep Marie in their room and would not hear of having a nanny. He worried so much about Marie.

Cosette placed Marie back into her cradle in the bedroom and prepared for bed. As she got into the bed, Marius turned over.

"My love, I thought you were asleep. I hope I did not wake you," she whispered.

"No, not at all. I was just thinking," he said while propping himself on his elbow, "I know this has all been hard on you. I just want you to know you are doing a great job."

Did Marius know her fears? Had he been listening.

"Hmmm, it does not feel that way, but I am glad you think so. I know you have had a time of it, getting up and such. You are so good about tending to our daughter," she said.

"Having been raised by servents, I know how lonely it is to grow up, and I do not want Marie ever to think that even as a baby. I envy how your father raised you, and I asked him how. He told me we will get there," Marius said. He kissed her gently and placed an arm around her as she turned to her side.

Little did they know that Marie would sleep through the night.


End file.
